I was running late. My wife Eleanor and I had agreed to meet at the restaurant at seven o'clock and it was already half past. I had a good excuse in the form of a client meeting that ran over and I wasted no time getting to the dinner as fast as possible.

迟到了。我跟老婆埃莉诺约好7点在饭店见面来着，现在已经7点半了。我的理由还算充分：因为跟某个客户有约，所以只能先忙完再马不停蹄赶来一起吃晚饭。

When I arrived at the restaurant, I apologized and told her I didn't mean to be late.

赶到饭店后，我急忙跟老婆道歉：我不是故意要迟到的。

She answered: "You never mean to be late." Uh oh, she was mad.

她回道：“你什么时候故意迟到过?”呃，看来老婆生气了。

"Sorry," I retorted, "but it was unavoidable." I told her about the client meeting. Not only did my explanations not soothe her, they seemed to make things worse. That started to make me angry.

“对不起，”我说，“但事情真的推不开。”接下来就是我要跟客户见面如何如何……可是，我越解释越是火上浇油，最后连我自己也气得不行。

That dinner didn't turn out to be our best.

自然，那顿晚饭也吃得不开心。

Several weeks later, when I was describing the situation to a friend of mine, Ken Hardy, a professor of family therapy, he smiled.

几个星期后，我把这件事告诉了朋友肯-哈迪。肯是家庭治疗方面的专家。听完我的诉说，他笑了。

"You made a classic mistake," he told me.

“你可真是犯了一个典型的错误。”他说。

"Me? I made the mistake?" I was only half joking.

“啥?是我做错了吗?”我半开玩笑问道。

"Yes. And you just made it again," he said. "You're stuck in your perspective: You didn't mean to be late. But that's not the point. The point is that you were late. The point — and what's important in your communication — is how your lateness impacted Eleanor."

“当然是你错了，刚才就是。”他说。“你一直从自己的立场强调‘我不是故意迟到的’，但这不是问题的关键，关键是你确实迟到了，而且你的迟到确实影响到了埃莉诺。”

In other words, I was focused on my intention while Eleanor was focused on the consequences. We were having two different conversations. In the end, we both felt unacknowledged, misunderstood, and angry.

这样说来，我只一味强调我的本意，而埃莉诺看重的却是结果。所以，我俩讲的话根本就风马牛不相及，最后自然都会因为分歧和误解而生气了。

The more I thought about what Ken said, the more I recognized that this battle — intention vs. consequences — was the root cause of so much interpersonal discord.

肯的话，我越想越觉得这种“本意VS结果”的争论正是很多人际关系不和的根本原因。

As it turns out, it's not the thought that counts or even the action that counts. That's because the other person doesn't experience your thought or your action. They experience the consequences of your action.

事实表明，争吵的根源不在于你怎么想或你做了什么，毕竟别人体会不到你的想法或行为，别人体会到的是你的行为所带来的后果。

Here's another example: You send an email to a colleague telling him you think he could have spoken up more in a meeting.

举例来说：你给同事发了封邮件，说你觉得他本可以在会议上多做点发言。

He replies to the email, "Maybe if you spoke less, I would have had an opportunity to say something!"

他回复邮件说：“或许，要是你能少说一点，我就有机会插上两句了吧!”

That obviously rankles you. Still, you send off another email trying to clarify the first email: "I didn't mean to offend you, I was trying to help." And then maybe you add some dismay at the aggressiveness of his response.

这种话显然激怒了你，但你又发了一封邮件进行解释：“我不是要找你茬，只想提点意见罢了。”又或许，因为同事的回复太过分，你在邮件里也添油加醋了一番。

But that doesn't make things better. He quotes the language of your first email back to you. "Don't you see how it reads?" He asks. "BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" You write back, IN CAPS.

可这么一来，事情反倒更糟。他把你第一封邮件的原话拷贝给你，反问道：“那你这是写的什么?”你特地用大写字母回邮以示强调：“我不是那个意思!”

So how do you get out of this downward spiral?

如此恶性循环……怎么办呢?

It's stunningly simple, actually. When you've done something that upsets someone — no matter who's right — always start the conversation by acknowledging how your actions impacted the other person. Save the discussion about your intentions for later. Much later. Maybe never. Because, in the end, your intentions don't matter much.

其实，办法超级简单。当你惹别人生气了，甭管谁对谁错，先主动开口为自己的言行向对方道歉。至于你本意如何，以后再说，或者永远都别罗里吧嗦地解释，因为最后你的本意并不那么重要。

What if you don't think the other person is right — or justified — in feeling the way they do? It doesn't matter. Because you're not striving for agreement. You're going for understanding.

要是你觉得完全是对方做错了或有失偏颇呢?那也没什么大不了的。又不是非得意见完全一致，只要能相互理解就行了。

What should I have said to Eleanor?

那我该怎么跟埃莉诺解释?

"I see you're angry. You've been sitting here for 30 minutes and that's got to be frustrating. And it's not the first time. Also, I can see how it seems like I think being with a client gives me permission to be late. I'm sorry you had to sit here waiting for so long."

“生气啦?等了半个钟头，很不开心吧?唉，我老让你这样等我，老是因为客户而耽误你，让你等我这么长时间，真心对不起啊。”

All of that is true. Your job is to acknowledge their reality — which is critical to maintaining the relationship. As Ken described it to me: "If someone's reality, as they see it, is negated, what motivation do they have to stay in the relationship?"

这么说也都句句属实，还能保证俩人关系和好如初。就像肯告诫我的那样：“如果人们觉得自己被忽视了，那还有什么理由相信这段关系呢?”

In the email back and forth I described earlier, instead of clarifying what you meant, consider writing something like: "I could see how my criticizing your performance — especially via email — feels obnoxious to you. How it sounds critical and maybe dismissive of your efforts in the meeting."

再看我前面提到的“邮件拉锯战”。与其不断强调你的本意，不如试着这样写：“我在邮件上指正你的表现显然让你感到不爽了。这些话带有批评意味，可能还抹煞了你在会议上的付出。”

I said this was simple but I didn't say it was easy.

我说这很简单，但并不表示这做起来很容易。

The hardest part is our emotional resistance. We're so focused on our own challenges that it's often hard to acknowledge the challenges of others. Especially if we are their challenge and they are ours. Especially when they lash out at us in anger. Especially when we feel misunderstood. In that moment, when we empathize with them and their criticism of our behavior, it almost feels like we're betraying ourselves.

最难的就是我们会从情绪上产生抵触。我们总是专注于自己的挑战，常常忽略他人的困境——特别是当他人的困境就是由我们造成、我们又因此被激怒时，更难以承认。这时，如果我们认同对方的立场以及对方对我们的苛责，那就等于扇自己耳光了。

But we're not. We're just empathizing.

所以我们不会认同对方，而只会一味强调。

Here's a trick to make it easier. While they're getting angry at you, imagine, instead, that they're angry at someone else. Then react as you would in that situation. Probably you'd listen and let them know you see how angry they are.

下面这个方法可以让事情变简单一点。当对方向你发火时，试着想象他是在向其他人发火，然后你设身处地体会一下，或许你会倾听并发现双方真的很生气啊。

And if you never get to explain your intentions? What I have found in practice — and this surprised me — is that once I've expressed my understanding of the consequences, my need to justify my intentions dissipates.

要是一直没机会解释你的本意呢?事实上，我意外地发现，一旦我理解了结果造成的麻烦，也就不再想去解释我本意如何如何了。

That's because the reason I'm explaining my intentions in the first place is to repair the relationship. But I've already accomplished that by empathizing with their experience. At that point, we're both usually ready to move on.

原因在于，我一开始急于解释本意不外是为了弥补俩人关系，但通过站在对方立场考虑，我不已经达到这个目的了嘛?如此一来，俩人也都尽释前嫌了。

And if you do still feel the need? You'll still have the opportunity, once the other person feels seen, heard, and understood.

要是你还想作出解释呢?那么，机会也还是有的——只要对方看上去已经明白并理解你的处境。

If we succeed in doing all this well, we'll often find that, along with our relationships, something else gets better: our behavior.

如果我们能做好这一点，不仅人际关系会变好，我们的言行也会渐渐改变呢。

After that last conversation with Eleanor — after really understanding the consequences of my lateness on her — somehow, someway, I've managed to be on time a lot more frequently.

自从上次跟埃莉诺争执后，我切身体会到了自己的迟到给她带来的麻烦，正因如此，不知不觉间，我竟变得越来越准时了!